thinking aloud..

this past week was filled with visits to and from friends. sat and talked for hours at a stretch with so many of them. and each one of those conversations left me more and more puzzled. with shak and rafia i was discussing how everything we do in this day and age is wrong; backstabbing, cheating, lies, deciet is the cry of the day. and we have all conditioned ourselves to accept this as as acceptable. lately i have been in a state of cognitive dissonance abt it all but other's ppls attitudes has been really troubling. all my friends, ive come to know, believe that because its not possible to survive in the dog eat dog world anymore without adopting all the wrong means urself, it is ok to take the wrong road to success. the end, they believe, justifies the means. but what end??? is worldy success and wealth all that matters? is that why we've been sent down to this Earth? if life is all about trampling others in the rat race to success and fame, and if it is all abt the survival of the fittest(read: meanest, dishonest, corrupt), then why do we all pretend to care abt humanity anyway? and how does one escape a world where selfishness and greed govern the minds of mortals?
sara, shaffo and aj on the other hand are more worried abt how i am conducting my personal life. here's a conversation with aj.

Aj: i'm sure u re doin all this in the spirit of self sacrifice, but u dont realise that its more than ur own life ure ruining.
Me: self-sacrifice?? think again. im doin this coz i dont want to take another blow to my self esteem. im in denial.
-long silence-
Aj: babe, u better take the blow right now than take it later. its goin to be much worse later.

sara's been the most persistent with the same advice.

sara: why dont u realise what ure doin to urself??
me: coz i dont care abt myself.

sometimes i feel like screaming...'back off, leave me alone'.. to all these ppl who care so much. :( but thats only coz i dont have the strength to take their advice seriously. coz i cant let go. coz my heart and mind are both numb with pain. coz i dont see a way out. coz i m a bloodsucking parasite.